My other half and I recently sold our long time residence in New Jersey. And in dealing with a local realtor there, we met a personality who ended every conversation with a hug. I only mention this in passing, as there is a widespread controversy over what is appropriate touching behavior between people who are strangers or at most – acquaintances.
Sparked by a secretly recorded locker room conversation with Donald Trump and then revelations about Senator Al Franken, we’ve become aware that there is a line in the sand where friendly, expressive touch become groping with sexual undertones (and the grist for multiple sexual harassment lawsuits.)
There are actual studies in the public domain as to what is appropriate behavior. Here I reproduce guidelines that I first became aware of in a 2007 book by Tonya Reiman titled The Power of Body Language. What is so striking about Tonya’s assessment is that she lays out strict gender differences when it comes to touching and being touched. Men and women need to be aware of these gender differences, as they are a common source of confusion when it comes to dealing publicly with the opposite sex.
His Signals/Her Signals
Who Can Touch Whom Where and When
Men and women differ dramatically in the their levels of preferred touch from other people. Sex has a lot to do with it – and whether or not those advances are welcome help to what’s OK and what’s not OK. Take a look at what’s acceptable and what’s not when it comes to touching a recent acquaintance.
- When a man touches a woman. Keep it strictly chaste – only touch her hand or forearm. Anything more becomes way too personal. One study found that women find touch by an unknown man to be the least welcomed. (Men felt that way about a touch from an unknown man as well.)
- When a woman touches a woman. Women have a bit more latitude. When a woman touches another woman she can touch hands, the forearm, the upper arm and the knee without ruffling too many feathers.
- When a woman touches a man. A woman can really touch a man anywhere on his body but there are going to be consequences. Research found that men preferred to be touched by a woman they know, but are almost as happy to be touched by a female who is a total stranger. Women have a tendency to touch early on in a relationship, and some men can misinterpret that as more sexual in nature. Overall though, men don’t get offended by a woman’s touch that often.
- When a man touches a man. Men can touch each other on the hand, shoulder, forearm or upper arm. Any other touching would not be received well at all. In one survey, being touched by another man was the touch least welcomed by all men.